BLOGREALM

JANUARY 18TH, 2025

[17:41]

at some point in my life i'd like to cut off a part of me. maybe a finger. for now i'm thinking half of my right pinkie.

JANUARY 17TH, 2025

[08:11]

good morning! i've been nearing tears since i woke up. david lynch came into my life at just the right time, sadly the right time was now. some things are just meant to take troublesome paths. this is my cue to take more joy out of the little rituals and magick tricks of everyday life. example: there is a machine for everything. there is a single progenitor to every single thing, which is also a clone of the original, like bananas. there is a matrix, which is cloned (or spread, like a rhizome, which is like a banana) and in the matrix(es), the clones are produced (or spread, like rhizomes of a rhizome -- smaller tubers?). question: where does the original lie? answer: in the original conception, of course. where does that lie? that's more complex... if you think of it like this, you can imagine how a machine for rolling toilet paper into the cardboard cylinder is an organ, which produces something (the toilet paper), which is transported by a complex array of flows, from the passing of one hand to another to transatlantic trade routes, and, in the hands of a person wiping their ass, becomes part of a different system. then, discarded, it once again flows into a landfill. do you see it? it's all one big machine or organism (what is the difference?) and you are part of it, and so am i (as much as i wish i wasn't). thinking on it, maybe there are things you cannot understand from an outside perspective, right? isn't it a joyful luck to be able to be out here? nothing wrong with non-existence, but "i" have had quite enough of it. my time here is limited (some 60 more years if i am lucky) and so small it is statistically insignificant. i can only hope to live on through my contributions to the spirit of humanity, which is also young, but it perrmeates and lingers much longer than any one human could hope to. i don't care to be remembered. i just wish i could hang around a little longer. one lifetime is not enough.

JANUARY 16TH, 2025

[20:37]

i went out with my friend today. we got coffee and went to this wicca store. i got two rings and two necklaces. the clerk gave us both two boxes of incense each. it was raining very hard on my way home, and the incense got wet. i got chunghwas for 78 real. that's very expensive. they were very good, like incense. isn't that funny? sometimes i still wonder why people seem so eager to get out of talking to me. maybe i'm conversing with the wrong people, maybe people have gotten less tolerant of things they don't understand. i don't know. i don't think i ever will. one of the necklaces i bought has a mammon sigil on it. mammon is the demon of prosperity. i would hope he is in my favor. i cleaned my altar today. i feel hermes looking out for me. i would call myself a generous person, but i can't say why i do it. david lynch died.

JANUARY 14TH, 2025

[11:44]

no workout today, my throat hurt. i got tea and ingredients for a ham asparagus dinner recipe. i'm trying to start budgeting, this is hard... i'm at 44.2 kg. i like that i'm losing weight fast. maybe 43.5 kg isn't so far out of reach? today i'll make meat filled zucchinis. i think i'll start cooking now. i haven't had much time to draw lately...

JANUARY 13TH, 2025

[09:24]

worked out and picked up my american visa today. henna is fading again. i should invest in a better brand. the heels of my favorite boots just came off, i had my dad glue it for me. i should also invest in good first hand boots, but shoes are so expensive... i was looking at some cute black boots today. i might buy them if i have money. i decided i want to start cooking my own meals, so i went grocery shopping for the week yesterday. i made pumpkin soup yesterday. it was alright. i added too much ginger though. i'm at 44.8 kg today, isn't that awesome? and i'll go to the park with a friend. i'm debating eating lunch or not.

JANUARY 12TH, 2025

[12:37]

i'm sick again. i dyed my fingers black and put in fake nail extensions. it's a bit hard to do things still but i'll get used to it. my dad's mad at me for some reason. i don't care. i'm going to cook for myself today. not sure what to make. something low on calories, for sure. i've had my henna on for 6 hours. maybe it's time to wash it off. i need to in order to cook anyway. my guts are lively today. i'm a bit bloated, but below 45.5kg. 200-300 grams below, to be precise. i worked out today, but not a lot. i still can't do omad after getting out of habit. oh well, in time things will align, right?

[17:39]

i miss you, genesis p-orridge.

JANUARY 10TH, 2025

[16:03]

okay so i am never going on vacation with my family again. it was horrible. thankfully i caught a stomach bug and had an excuse to stay in the room all day. i'm so glad to be home, i almost cried when i saw the cityline from the road. i'm having coffee after not shitting properly the entire trip. then i'll buy nail glue. my fake nails are here and my henna should be delivered today as well. hopefully i'll be able to enjoy the rest of my vacation in peace.

JANUARY 4TH, 2025

[05:53]

yesterday was a very very turbulent day. i feel better today. things will fall into place. tomorrow, i will go to the beach with my family. i am excited. i will go running soon. then, i will go thrifting for more sportswear and beach clothes. then if i have time, i will go to an esoterica store buy something for hermes. i will also buy fake nails, nail glue, a top coating and nail polish. i'll start packing my bags now.

JANUARY 3RD, 2025

[11:53]

i am fucking exhausted. having constituted myself mostly in isolation, it seems i am, essentially, absence. being filled with life, love, emotion, or anything at all makes me feel raped. it's not right. i need to be empty, clean, insulated and aside from the world. passive observer, silent outsider. i am in an incredibly irritable mood today because i am so hungover. being with other people is violence. interacting with them is violence. the intersection of two bodies is always the product of internal and/or external coercion. i want to keep a cold distance from the world. i don't care, i don't want to know. don't touch me. there is no contact that will make me happy, so much are there is contact that is tolerable, and only for so long. stay where you are. 6ft away, where you are predictable and harmless. language is a virus with which we infect each other. i can't find myself anymore. i'll nap. i hate you.

JANUARY 1ST, 2025

[19:16]

mercury sought me out. something renewed my interest in occultism, and now i am working with him and eris. it seems i draw and am drawn to trickster gods. i like that. i am excited for what the future holds. i did a nice welcoming ritual to mercury: a sigil, blue and black gemstones, light a candle, pull some tarot cards. the cards were as follows:

• the hierophant
• nine of wands
• king of wands
• page of wands (reversed)
• six of cups (reversed)
• knight of pentacles (reversed)

[06:32]

happy new years. i worked out twice yesterday, and probably overdid it. i ate very little too. i'm not sore, just very very lethargic. i'll still do it again today. i want to burn more calories than yesterday, but i don't think i can and i know i shouldn't.

lately i find that even people who consider themselves socially inept have overwhelmingly more successful social interactions than me. i'm not a sociable person, but i do like talking to people sometimes. at first glance, it seems people are not interested in me, but i feel there is always a certain eagerness to get away and engage as little as possible that i don't understand. i think my existence violates some sort of universal law of being that makes me deeply unsettling to be around. i don't know. maybe i'm just an unpleasant person.

DECEMBER 30TH, 2024

[21:46]

been seeing a lot of the number 6 lately. I wonder what this could mean. i started exercising a lot. it's fun.

picture of me smoking:

DECEMBER 25TH, 2024

[05:26]

merry christmas. i feel good today. i'm drinking my prune water. christmas lunch today. i am not looking forward.

DECEMBER 24TH, 2024

[17:26]

don't even ask me my weight right now. i am extremely upset about that. lesson learned: don't do laxies when you don't need to. i ate too much for lunch and my dad offered me ice cream in the middle of me crying about it. this is horrible. why can't things go the way i want them to? i was very very close to 45 kg. i don't know how to fast discretely during christmas tomorrow. i don't know if i can.

[17:40]

i cried about it and i think i feel better. i made a doll for my friend as a christmas gift and hugging him made me feel better. i might make one for myself.

DECEMBER 20TH, 2024

[06:36]

i showered and am having coffee. yesterday i bought swimsuits for my beach trip in january. i'm excited, because i finally feel comfortable enough to wear bikinis. i'm at 45.8kg, by the way. i bought a subscription to this calorie counting app too. it feels very satisfiying to eat as little as possible when you can see the small amount of calories in the app. i'm listening to 2hollis. he makes very good music. i had to look him up to make sure i was using the right pronouns.

DECEMBER 15TH, 2024

[07:56]

i made it to the end of the semester. barely, but my grades were surprisingly good. i did not go crazy or have a breakdown like i thought i would. i just got really constipated. i'm eating prunes and granola to help. i don't really eat anything else anymore. yesterday i had two meals: gnocchi for lunch and granola with milk for dinner. today i'll only eat once. i don't know what i'll eat yet. i'm at 46.3kg, this is the lowest i've ever been. it's exciting, but i still feel it's not quite there yet. maybe i really should aim for 45.5kg, which doesn't sound impossible. i've been listening to a lot of incelcore today. it's kind of embarrassing. the sensation of being full is the worst.

NOVEMBER 22ND, 2024

[21:49]

oh my god. time is flying by. i haven't been sleeping or eating enough. i'm stressed about college assignments. everything is a bit too much at the moment. i've been paralyzed with fear, but i managed to move a bit today. that's good. there is so much i want to do. if only i had time...

OCTOBER 13TH, 2024

[17:31]

relatively productive day today. got a bit further with the fabric print i'm working on. pattern? i never know what to call it. i want to add more things to this site, but i don't know what. i feel i don't have much to say. there are things i don't want to say, too. i'm slowly managing to do more college work. hopefully after the first week of december i will have more time to delve into my interests.

my friend once told me things change drastically within yourself after your 21st birhtday. i think i can see those changes. i like the person i am becoming. i need to look into books about semiotics for my master's degree. i need to think about my final project for college.

OCTOBER 11TH, 2024

[05:06]

i woke up at 2:00 and read a poem about amputation. it made me feel as though my right forearm shouldn't be there. i didn't cut it off, nor would i, but i did want to. i just used the computer with one hand for a while, which did prove itself quite a challenge. it's fine now but i felt a strange sensation inside, like it was just aching to be amputated. very strange. possibly dangerous.